How To Save a Life

This past day and night i've been trying to keep someone from killing themselves. They haven't responded to any call or text for close to an hour. I gave it to God, but i can't let go. I love this person, and i can't bear the pain of this. The stupid bullet they put through there head went straight through my heart. I've been crying. crying. crying. I can't see the hope in this situation. I wasn't good enough to save their life. God where are you? Why didn't you save him? And i know it was probably in your will, but right now your will has left a huge gaping hole inside of me. The only thing that fills it, is pain. So, so much pain. My body hurts and wants sleep but my mind is only wondering if i could have done more. I could have, but what? I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I need help. Oh God, i need help. Please...someone help me. I'm falling apart.

Class Rings and Sirens

Things are becoming too hard to bear.
i just don't know if i have much more patience to spare.
I look at you and tears stream down face.
Though you don't see me i just need to be near you in this space.
Please don't fall away i need you here to stay.
Look at me like I'm something visible...please don't stray.

Right now I feel like i am at a complete impasse you know?
I just I want to feel strong like I'm not feeling left out and i like being alone...but I just can't.
I don't want to be with the popular people but I do want to not feel alone.
That's how I feel....alone. alone. alone.

alone.

That's the main emotion that has been felt the last few week.
Just give me a chance please....
Crying isn't worth it so i don't know what to do..maybe writing this will change it...or you know? maybe it won't.

Gang throw downs and Cuba.

i knew better than to be friends with your boyfriend oh, i knew better than that i knew better.
he plays the victims and i'll always be the bad guy oh i knew better than that i knew better.
so time heals everything right?
well....i dunno if it does.
i have good days....i have bad days....today is the bad....
well most of the days are bad....unless i'm with people ...then they are good...
i get lost messed up and bored when i'm alone too long...i can't leep function or eat when i'm not with someone...late last fall you ended it all and dated who know's her? just like that you vanished and packed and never will call...
yeah..gah i sound like a sap. Haha.

Humans and Retrospective Dancers.

I know he didn't realize but i can't help but be upset.
Not at him but at the comment said over and over with joy.
I had semi-successfully convinced myself that i wasn't the way i was.
Though every second of everyday i am bombarded with media and people that tell me i need to be different then the way i am.
I play it off as though i am cool but when i look away i hide my face to the world as though to try and act like i'm not hurt.
Of course the parents are like leave the room and never say that again but what can they really do?
I know one day my kids are going to make that same completely naive truthful comment to someone.
My favorite being,"When is the baby due?".
In retrospect i should have never asked what was said.
Oh well i guess it's just going to motivate me more to struggle through to what i "really want to be".
I guess i will return to the land of marshmallow pies with you and try to forget.