Humans and Retrospective Dancers.

I know he didn't realize but i can't help but be upset.
Not at him but at the comment said over and over with joy.
I had semi-successfully convinced myself that i wasn't the way i was.
Though every second of everyday i am bombarded with media and people that tell me i need to be different then the way i am.
I play it off as though i am cool but when i look away i hide my face to the world as though to try and act like i'm not hurt.
Of course the parents are like leave the room and never say that again but what can they really do?
I know one day my kids are going to make that same completely naive truthful comment to someone.
My favorite being,"When is the baby due?".
In retrospect i should have never asked what was said.
Oh well i guess it's just going to motivate me more to struggle through to what i "really want to be".
I guess i will return to the land of marshmallow pies with you and try to forget.

Eggs Rolls and Biology.

What the crap all i did was ask you a freakin question!!!!!!!
Is it that hard to be rash and just wonder why i ask the question instead of being offended.
I said nothing rude or out of the ordinary.
I wish you wouldn't pick random fights because of your bi-polar moods swings!!!
You make me so angry i just want to a;lksdjf;lkasdjf;lksjd;flk;aldkf;lkajs.
Geez AHHHHHHHH!!!
I haven't been this angry since fall break which was like a week ago.
I know right?
Speaking of last week.
Basically last week could have ruined my entire life and for some reason i haven't been emotional about it until now.
I really need prayer from my own lips and from the mouth of others.
I don't want to go into detail for i myself am disgusted with my actions.
Angry quickly turns into sullenness when a heart is heavy with personal burden.
I just have to make my will God's will and it might take weeks for me to be able to do that but i have to try....i have to try.

Catching Allergies and Dirty Pictures,

Today i was thinking about how it seems that i always get in trouble when i try to do something mean or someone cries when i am mean but today i realized why.
I don't think that i was made to be mean or made to make people cry.
I was made to be joyful be stong and build others up.
For a while i was at the point where i started cussing but when i would all i could ever think about it how it didn't seem right.
I couldn't just say them without it feeling weird.
I wasn't made to be that way.
I have got to be myself and how i was made.
Thinks have to change with me.
Now i realize why things were the way they were.
It's time.
This is it.
Ready
Set
Go.
Don't worry i won't fall for long.
God is ready to catch me.

Mother Nature and Vonage.

Until now i never realized i had an addiction.
I was talking to some at Shay's surprise party and someone was like you have got to deal with you addiction.
Why hadn't anyone told me before that i was wrong.
I know i know i know.
Well i guess i really don't.
Thats actually good news.
My next little adventure is learning to trust God with more things and telling him some things.
I know he already knows but he needs to hear it from me.
I now can rest some more.
I am sooooooo tired from the party of a lifetime!!!=D
Talk lat-yaah.

Mustaches and Bloo.

hi billie and michelle.
oh by the way michelle your a jerk.
i will not clean your house any longer.
i'm leaving for good.
but i think i will make a stop in the kitchen first.
i'm really hungry.
i think i have a disease that makes you really really hungry all the time even if you eat.
like i just ate a piece of pizza and twenty maybe thirts minutes later my stomach is growling.
i hope i don't have cancer.=D

Baseball and Aphrodite.

Have you ever wondered how you fit into someone else's life?
I often wonder this.
People seem to be really wishy washy about friends.
Like one day you and I can be the most besty of best friends and then the next you won't even acknowledge my existence. I wonder if i'm that way or if i'm clingy or if there is something wrong with me. I can just never know. I probably will not ever know.
Just sometimes i wish i could.
Oh well maybe better luck next life.
Or well you know what i mean.

Necrophiliac's and Febreze.

What is it about Mondays that automatically puts people in bad moods?
I mean honestly i'm having a really good day then you come a long and have to be dumb.
Oh well...i guess.
It's okay that you are having a bad day i understand i have those too.
Way more than i possibly should considering i make myself have bad days.
You know screwing up really isn't as fun as it seems.
Like to day i was thinking about something i have done and what have they brought me?
Addictions to circumstantial pleasure?
Most importantly what has it done for me and God besides me just messing up and having to ask for forgivness.
Nothing, well at least nothing good.
It is time for me to pull things together and i think one thing that will assist me is getting you out of my life.
You know who you are and you know what you have done.
I really wish that i could get myself out of my life but thats a bit more difficult.
The most sad thing of all is that later to night i'm going to be hoping that you will call.
I am going to be waiting around for any sign that points to you caring for me differently than any of your other "people".
I can't wait till your gone and i can start to put my life back into place.
When i think about you sometimes it's utter disgust but sometimes it's really not it's wow i wish i was with you.
I guess it will be this way for a while unless i'm either dumb again or i smarten up.
For the record, i'm not a necrophiliac and i am in love with febreze.=D
Goodnight my lovelys.

Dinosaur Dust and Mason Jars.

Wherever i go
Whenever i leave
I want you to know
You can never see me.

I know we have been through many trials together
But now it's time for us to be never.

So wherever i go
Whenever i leave
I want you to know and understand
You can never see me.

Nepal Ipod Case and Salsa Sun Chips.

So me mum brought me an ipod case that her friend Glenn brought me from Nepal.
I was eating Salsa Sun Chips with Bilbs and showing it to her and then we went off on a tangent much brought up in my conversation vocabulary. This convo i have with many many people i just can't not talk about it.
Okay so the real reason i wrote this blog.

Have you ever wanted something so bad you would hurt yourself and your relationship with God?
Alright well i have and most people sadly know that.
The thing is though is that the thing i have wanted for the long long while i finally got last night....err well morning.
So i got it right???Righty-o
Did i expect? Yes, like i expect to wake up the morning breathing.
But the thing is, is that i don't think i got what i needed.
Well i know i didn't but you know?
i had wanted something for so long that once i finally got it i don't know how to handle myself.
Like this morning seriously i wanted to cut my hands off, throw up, and then cry myself to sleep, and then sleep till high school was over. Err well at least for this year.
I know it sounds depressing but i feel disgusting for what i have done. At least this time less people will find out.
I'm kinda cut up and bruised....man this sux.
Things will get better though they will they will....but for now i think i'm going to take a shower.

Creepy Men and Sunrise Tans.

Sleep is good i suppose but why do we continuously waste the hours that don't have light.
I would rather sleep all day and then get up at night.
I think that, that should be a holiday. We should try that some time.


This night is winding down but
Time means nothing
As always at this hour
Time means nothing
One final final round cos
Time means nothing,
Say that you’ll stay
Say that you’ll stay

Sorta my new philosophy i guess you could say.
I have begun to learn that i need to just roll with the punches and you know it really doesn't matter what people think.
If you don't want to talk to me fine.
If you hate me fine.
If you feel like kissing me...make sure you don't have herpes.
But my door is always open just let me know when your entering.
You know what this means?
Right now it's 12:30 i can go walk around my neighborhood and not wear pants.
i can go knock on your door and know that it doesn't matter why i'm there it's that i came.

Well the creepy guy i'm talking to his picture reminded me of that and there was a commercial for Sunset Tans but why then and not sunrise tans.
i think we all need a sunrise.
Everyone deserves something they don't get.
Like i don't get sunrises and i saw like 3 in may and they were colossal for my health.

Times means nothing.

titles and khilko.

what is church to me..............
well first off what you were saying.....i know you feel bad but.....do i?
i don't know if i do.
well yes i feel bad for john.
but my intentions weren't to leave the church....or were they?
i think that i really did want to go to a different church not to leave ours but to get a different perspective...have some change.....what did the change bring me?....did it really bring me anything or would everything be that same???
questions..........

yes i do feel bad that john feels that way...do i get what your saying yes.
were my intentions to leave the church no.
i can't say that anything would or wouldn't be different.
i need change or at least i want it.
but i feel that nothing really can change .....for now in my life i really don't think that things can change.


as i get closer to one thing i et father from another and one friend to the other....when will it stop when will i get to a happy medium...will i ever was that my purpose....

i do like some parts of our church but the others i could do without....like the gossip and the drama and the lying....and the guilt trips for not doing something....have i ever been the cause of some of things.....most likely do i wish that i could take them back????yes...






this is to someone else but i never could make you see it but i've never loved anyone more.

Birthday Cake and Micheal Phelps.

While eating some of my just now 19 year old brothers birthday cake i was pondering over recent events in my life.
I thought there was only one person in my life that i could ever look at the way a lover looks at there love. During my thinking process i thought of the way you touched me. The way you looked into my eyes and my heart melted and a smile spread across my glowing with joy face. You made me realize that there are more fish in the sea. I think Theodore Roosevelt once said that......or if he didn't i guess kara can have the credit.=D
There are so many fish it's not even funny. Now that i have gone through the trials i have i can look at my future love interests with different eyes. Eyes that have seen. I can listen with ears that have heard. I have seen and heard more than any other should.
But....what is the line? What is the line to where you start hearing things you shouldn't?
I can almost say there are the moral lines but i think it is truly when you can't handle it yourself.
Sorry i got a little side tracked.
All in all i wanted to give you Micheal Phelps gold medal and thank you for your i guess you could say enlightenment.

Crushed by the Weight of the Ocean.

I feel like little pieces of my heart are left everywhere that i have gone with you.
The way you are making me feel i feel my soul dying with each day you come around.
I wish you could understand what it's doing to me.
Since this has started my whole life has changed......for the worse.
I am almost to the point where i wish i had never met you.
I feel over the year i have basically lost my best friend.
I gained one more in an almost replacement but yeah it's weird.
I ultimately feel like i have lost myself.
I have parts of my life that have been completely wasted parts of my life on you.
Something about you has changed me.
This isn't the change i needed.
I have open wounds within me you rip open everytime i see you.
I hate that i have to love you like i do.

Stop, Drop, and Roll.

Hmmmm........i was reading through someones blog and i didn't realize how someone who can sit there and be hurt by people's assumptions can sit there and assume so much.....thats really all i have to say. So stop assuming drop the subject and roll along on to something else.

Just Smile.

I look at a picture of this girl.
She looked completely happy.
Just at peace with everything.
Upon looking longer i realized that it was me.
I let my emotions get so in the way all of the time.
Then i just relaxed and remembered how happy i was when i took that picture.
At that time i didn't need anyone except God.
Not you or you just him.
It's crazy that all the remorse you are feeling can be taken away by remembering a time where you could just smile without the thought something depressing.=D

First Time turned Only Time.

As hurt as i was last time i decided to go into it open minded that we were just friends.
You know what hey thats cool but then you go all BAHHHHHHHH on me.
Then i can't read you and you confuse me to the point where i go all crazy on myself.
I don't want to go in your book twice.
The First Time has now become the Only Time.
You know i thought you were someone that would always be there for me. Thats what you said right?
Well wasn't i the lucky one to figure out that i was wrong?
See like people didn't really know you were such a schemer until i spilled the beans.
Sorry but i don't want anyone else to get caught in your trap like me.
They deserve to know the truth.
Bah i mean i'm not trying to be mean but still like really learn to control your signaling like really.
But then again isn't this my fault like me the one who invited you in last time and me the one who read them in the first place? Maybe you dont even know what you are doing. Maybe i should learn that i have to be the one to assume that you don't know what you are doing so i can read them off as being something different. Like to you lets go hold hands means i want some ice cream....or maybe like kissing me would mean man i have to piss. I mean at this point it's anyones game to decide seeing where as you can't decide for your self. Well what if you know exactly what you are doing...then you should get actor of the decade award. I mean you sure fooled me that one time and then that other time.
Or maybe i over analyze to much maybe i'm the problem or maybe i don't know i wish there were less maybes and i think so's and more i know so.

I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=D HAVE A FREAKING NICE DAY BECAUSE YOU CAN COUNT ON ME TOO!!!!!!!!!


honestly like i just kinda chant to myself through my teeth that i hate you.

Insufficiency.

At 2:29 a.m. i got a text saying "Excuse my blasphemy but oh my god!"
So i thought that something terrible had happened and was oh my what happened so now i was on the frantic search to find out what was wrong. Well so i got on myspace to see if they had said something on it on there and it turns out that is was about the new movie darknight. Then i was beginning to breath at that point but i started thinking. Nothing in this world is important enough to use the Lord's name in vain. Nothing at all. Nothing on this earth is as important as him. Over a movie we commit sins like lying and stealing and sometime immoral acts just see something that will give us a momentary high and make us forget about how some of our lives seem to suck. How far away from God have we gotten? To commit sins daily and call them just some of our "bad habits." It's almost inconceivable to think that God though we have gotten so far away from him that he can look at us and love us. Everyday i sin and most of the time don't think a second thought about it. This is breaking my heart that i would do that.

Dashboard Confessionals.

I tried to think of everything with an open mind. I had it going good trying to keep it open then thoughts of you and what happened came back and i had to shut it. I always thought that guys should never had the power to control my mind or any one else's for that matter but you have seem to have logged yourself into that position. I honestly hate getting up everyday and you being what i think of. I never have really thought with you know my mind really open and when i tried it you just made me realize that i didn't want to think with an open mind. Thanks for everything i suppose.

I'm not sure how to deal with this........

I came home to find that my brother is on academic suspension and so my parents owe the school more money than expected and i don't know how that is going to work...money is really tight right now and i know that and so i feel awful when i ask for some......i'm not sure how to deal with that and then my mom and i aren't close then she decides to tell me a lot of stuff and i don't know how to handle what she told me.....i just don't know how and then i think woodward isn't but at the same time is mad at me and i don't know what to do about that and then a baby bunny was killed and it made me cry and then i realized thats how God feels when i sin...and that yeah it's a long story but yeah today is hard to handle....and i'm stressed about things due for classes and i really want to go to the deep but i have end of the year projects due but i'm never home and i want to start running again but i'm not having enough time in the day..........i need time....i need time..

What am i?

Have you ever been so confused with yourself that it's almost to dizzying to even try to straighten things out? well thats me right at this moment. i am trying to really figure things out once and for all. but people are getting in the way of me becoming who i am. or is it that people are making me who i am? what am i, i think is the real question i am asking myself. i am a human being as far as i know. i am for God and i am thoughtful with most things i do. well if i am thoughtful with most things i do then why must i always screw up? so i am being thoughtful and i am screwing up am i imagining that i am being thoughtful with things? so am i just an imaginer? or am i ijust truly dumb and can't figure out anything on my own? i feel like i need people to help me with everything i do. but if i need help with everyone then am i just an annoying needy person that can't do anything right? and if so do i really have friends.....honestly i don't know i think that rambling helps...but hey it's seems as though my thoughts that i think are pointless so why don't i just be a vegetable.